Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Lovely weekend and scan worries

We went to Devon this weekend to stay with Liam's family as it was his sister's 16th on Sunday.  Lots of his family were there and his brother did a BBQ, well his mum cooked most of it in the oven first and then he finished it off!

It was a good distraction to stop all the worry, we haven't told anyone else yet about the pregnancy, not until after the scan tomorrow.  The drive was horrendous, 5 hours there a 5 back.  We left on Saturday morning and didn't arrive until late afternoon.  My two boys were with their father (ex-husband) this weekend so only my daughter came with us (she doesn't like to stay with him or see him which is another story).  She's 9 and loved visiting them again, she stayed for nearly a week last half term and really enjoyed herself.  She's no trouble at all.

The rain held out long enough to finish the BBQ thankfully and it was generally a lovely, relaxing time.  It was nice to get away and the first time I've been to Devon!  Spending time with people you do get to know them a lot better than just visits now and again.

I am really scared about the scan tomorrow.  Firstly I need to have my blood pressure taken and my urine tested.  I'm sure my blood pressure will be high because of the worry.  One thing that scares me is that they'll test my urine and get a negative pregnancy test, which is silly as I only did another one yesterday with the conception indicator and it showed "Pregnant 3+" within the first 30 seconds!  I'm terrified that they won't see anything on the scan too, that they'll be nothing there.  I so desperately want to see a tiny baby with a heartbeat flickering away.  I should be 7 weeks tomorrow so that should be visible.

I've been so emotional lately, like I'm on a roller coaster.  Up and down, round and round.  One minute I'm happy and the next I'm in tears thinking about Scarlett and how unfair it all was.  I keep wondering why my body just didn't put me into labour before she died.  One day before and she would be with us now.  Surely it knew on some level that something was wrong?  So why?  We will never really know.  I still don't know about my blood test results either so I don't know if there were/are clotting issues that caused her stillbirth and possible complications in this pregnancy.

I was looking for headstones again the other day and couldn't stop crying.  We need to choose one soon though as they take 3 months to order and I didn't want the date to coincide with December; when it all happened.  So many dates in December.  Christmas was my favourite time of the year but not anymore.  I loved baking, making mince for mince pies, christmas cake, christmas puddings, making everything for Christmas dinner and having all the family around us.  Now I'll be doing it for the children more than anything. I feel like I've had Christmas taken away from me on top of our daughter.  When you lose a baby it's not just the person that you lose, it's everything.  All the hopes, plans and dreams that you had too.  I'll never be my old "normal" again, I'll always be a new and different kind of normal.  Everything is coloured by that experience.  Underneath every happy moment there is an underlying fear that there is something there just waiting to go wrong or ruin it all.  It really made me realise how close we all are to sadness and tragedy.

I still wonder how the world keeps on turning and people go on with their daily lives when things stopped for me.  Of course, I understand how this is so but on some level I do wonder how anything can carry on after this.  People forget, they think I'm happy and have "got over" losing her but that doesn't happen.  It's simply a new existence.  I'm happy to a certain extent but it's not that happiness that I felt before, the happiness that has nothing holding it back or the feeling that something is lurking and waiting to take it all away.  I daren't be too happy just in case "someone" notices and takes it all away again.  That sounds silly but it's how it feels to me.  I'm tempting fate if I'm happy.

It's a strange sensation, knowing that there is another baby growing inside me, one I can't feel yet but that is there.  It feels surreal.  I love this baby already though.  I keep thinking I'm bleeding and the sheer panic I feel until I can check is unbelieveable; the relief when I know that I'm not is overwhelming.  It's a very difficult time.  Assuming we get through early pregnancy I'll have a whole new set of worries and anxieties to think about.  I think I'll be a nervous wreck.

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