Drained

Tonight I feel strangely drained and contemplative.  I've been reading a chapter of one of the bereavement books I have about subsequent pregnancy after a loss.  A lot of what I read rang true for me, particularly when it said about not replacing the baby you lost and also about daring to hope and dream for the new baby.  It mentions that by buying baby clothes and items for the baby, decorating etc that you are making memories and that these things would be what you would take with you should the worst happen again.  It made a lot of sense to me.  It also said that being optimistic would not bring curses on you and that dreaming and believing in another baby that  is alive does not tempt fate.  I found it very helpful but also draining to think on as I started to think about my pregnancy and birth with Scarlett.  I'm sure having the scan tomorrow has brought a lot of this on as well.  The book I've been reading is called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis Link to book and I would definitely recommend it.

I feel quite calm at the moment, sitting with a cup of (decaff) tea in the living room with my laptop, TV on in the background.  The evening is looking darker now, more than twilight but not quite there yet.  I've been trying to keep busy lately and have read two books in the past week and dipped in and out of the bereavement book tonight too.  I've spent a lot of time cleaning and cooking, reading to the children and talking to them.  Today I've felt very irritable, I notice that I get that a lot when I feel stressed and nervous.  I kind of go into myself quite a lot and am quieter than usual, myself and my thoughts.

I'm really hoping for some good news tomorrow, I think we deserve it.  I have so many thoughts and worries filling my head all the time that I spend half the time googling everything.  I find myself needing to know every detail about anything that could go wrong with this pregnancy and things that were highlighted as possible problems/causes in my pregnancy with Scarlett.

I've already wondered whether this baby is a boy or a girl, I don't care what sex it is as long as everything goes well and we have a live baby at the end.  In a way I think it would be easy for me emotionally if it's a boy but I will be happy either way.  Maybe another girl would be nice too though, essentially I just want a baby to bring home.

I don't think I'll sleep that well tonight but I hope I will.  We need to leave at around 8am in the morning to get to the hospital as we could hit traffic if we leave later.  My mum is taking the children to school and pre-school for me, she's a great Mum and I'm lucky to have her there supporting me.  Her and my Dad live right next to the school as well so it isn't far for them to go; not far from us either about a mile on the same road!  We've always been very close though and we're a family that would do anything for each other.

I've been wearing two bracelets every day since I bought them a few weeks ago, gemstone ones.  One is for protection and the other for luck, I found I was pregnant a short while after and it's my superstition now that I put them on each morning when I get up.  Placebo, maybe, but they make me feel more positive so I'm sticking with them.

I don't feel remotely tired, which is odd for me as I'm usually exhausted by now, I think it's just everything on my mind keeping me awake though.  Think I'll watch Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares USA and get another drink, maybe something to eat.