Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Good and bad days

This is a photo from the last time we visited Scarlett.  We went again today to put some fresh flowers but those pictures are still on my phone.  It's peaceful there and I love the sound of the wind chimes that we put on a tree next to her grave.  I feel a lump in my throat though when I really think about why we're there visiting.  I shouldn't be taking our daughter flowers, I should be taking her to the park or for a walk or any other "normal" thing that parents do.  I never in a million years envisaged this outcome from my pregnancy.

After a few good days over the weekend where we had a nice meal out and went for a few drinks locally today is hitting me quite hard.  I turned to leave Scarlett and from the corner of my eye saw my husband wave to her; this simple gesture upset me more than anything has in a while as I felt the full impact and realisation of what had happened.

We are trying for another baby but nothing seems to be happening and it's incredibly frustrating.  I have PCOS and have also had recurrent miscarriages so it hasn't been an easy ride as it is.  I have really long cycles too and it's hard trying to pinpoint when I ovulate.  Day 36 this month and counting...

I'll be trying to put some more photos up over the next few days, it's good to share them and I have ones from the funeral and when she was born that I haven't yet either.  Some days it just feels hard and a struggle to even breathe but I carry on because I have to.  The world isn't going to stop for me and my children need me to be fully present.  It's not easy but I'm living in hope of becoming pregnant again and hoping that might help in some way.  I don't ever, and couldn't, replace Scarlett but there is a huge hole missing in our lives right now that we were waiting for for so long.

We should have ordered her headstone by now too but after finding the one we wanted we now have to choose words and that is proving very difficult and emotional.  My husband is finding things very hard at the moment; he seems to be feeling and experiencing now, what I did a few months ago.  I think I talked a lot more and this helped me move further on in the grieving process.  I worry about him a lot but he's getting some help and I hope he feels some better days soon too.

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