Scan, fireworks, birthdays and halloween

It's been a busy week here with my middle child, Morgan, having his 8th birthday and the local fireworks display both on Saturday.  They were really spectacular and well worth braving a cold evening for!  The children really loved them and were in awe of all the amazing colours and sounds.  It was a week earlier than the main display in town but that was intended so that people wouldn't avoid the local one for the main one. There were a couple of small rides there for children and fairground games, plus food stalls so we got some food whilst we were there as well.  It was surprisingly busy for a Saturday evening too!

Morgan had a lovely birthday during the day with lots of balloons, party poppers, banners, party food and cake.  It's been nice to enjoy some days and smile rather than feeling sad.  He loved all his presents and had a really fun time, which is the most important thing.


This is the pumpkin that Liam carved with the children, I think it looks pretty amazing.

Caitlin, Ethan and Morgan all dressed up for trick or treating, they had a lovely time and it was quite a mild evening which made it a lot more enjoyable!

Morgan opening his presents, very excited!

We went to Scarlett's grave and added a lot of new bits and pieces, plus the stones and it looks so much better now.  We spent a lot of time there and it was a sad and emotional day but I'm glad we did it.  I found it quite difficult as I kept thinking of how we shouldn't be doing that but should be playing with her or doing something with her instead.

This is my bump as of around 18 weeks I believe!  It's already grown a lot more now.

Lastly but by no means least we had our 20 week scan, I was so nervous and scared that something would be wrong with our baby but everything went smoothly and there was nothing even slightly wrong.  We were both extremely relieved and I feel a lot more relaxed now, not totally but more than I was at least which is a start.  The sonographer couldn't get a proper decent look but she said she thinks we're having another girl!  I'm so happy about this but really didn't care either way as long as the baby was ok.  I was a little surprised though as I had a strong feeling that it was a boy but I guess I was wrong!  Scan photos soon once I get them onto the pc. she looked very sweet sucking her thumb and wriggling about.  It was lovely to be able to see her.  I had my consultant appointments after the scan which also went well, didn't have too much waiting around either which is good.  I really love everyone at that hospital, they're all so lovely and helpful.

I'm having a doppler scan in a couple of weeks to check the blood flow as I've had pre eclampsia before but  hopefully this will be ok too.  We did have a little scare on Monday when we went in to hospital to have the baby checked as I wasn't feeling much movement and was also having cramps and tightenings but thankfully all was well and they listened in to the baby for quite a while and made sure my blood pressure and everything else was right.  I also had my cervix checked to make sure the contractions weren't doing anything and it was closed which was a relief.  I was ordered to take it easy and rest as they think that was causing it all, I've done so for the past few days since and it's definitely helped.  The staff were absolutely amazing and I couldn't have asked for more from them, so reassuring and very nice. It's like entering some sort of twilight zone where everyone is friendly, understanding and caring.  They told me I can go in whenever I want to be checked out or just listen to the baby, even every day if I need to!  It's good to know and also they were very genuine.  I'm at Hinchingbrooke hospital now after transferring from Addenbrookes and I can honestly say that it's a totally different experience.  I would never go back and have a baby at Addenbrookes.  I simply cannot fault the staff where I am now, they go above and beyond to really make you feel comfortable.

Sadness

I laid in bed this morning and just cried, I keep dreaming about babies, a baby boy.  I miss Scarlett and I keep seeing babies everywhere.  I'm finding it hard to look at babies again, especially newborns or ones around her age.  I keep seeing it all in my mind, that day and everything that happened.  Lying there so still, not making a sound.  I pray this baby will be ok, I can't do this again, it's hard enough as it is.  I'm 19 weeks today.  I'm up and down so much again, even during one day.  I think it's the time of year, coming up to a year.  I cannot believe it's been a year.

I'm really aching for her today even though I know it's not possible I still go over the what ifs in my mind, torturing myself.  It's all still so vivid to me and always will be I think.

Liam and my parents have been so supportive, I feel for him as his aren't at all in fact all his mother has done is cause us more stress and treat us appallingly; again.  How anyone can treat their own son like this after what we've been through is beyond me.  My family are sickened by it and just wish they could do more but they can't be his mother :(  It's bad enough he has no father (who died when he was young) but this is like he has no mother either.  You can't get this time back and make up for it, I just hope she realises that.  He's tried and tried but she won't even talk to him now, we don't even know why!  Worst thing is that she treats his brother and girlfriend like the sun shines out of their proverbial but we've done nothing but try to help her and sort things out for her and we get snubbed.  I really can't be bothered with it anymore, I just hope one day she's sorry for what she's done to him and put him through.  More pain than was ever necessary.

 

It's been a while

I've been neglecting this blog for a while but I'm back on it now and have lots going on and that has happened!

I'm now 17+6, I can't believe that, and feeling movements.  It feels very surreal and strange, like it's all happening to someone else and not me.  I've had some very up and down days, the past few in particular have been very difficult and I've been upset, scared and panicky about this pregnancy and also missing Scarlett.  It will be a year on December 2nd since she died and was born on December 6th.  It doesn't feel that long at all and yet it feels like forever.  It still really doesn't feel like it was me that went through that, until I really think about i and then the realisation hits me.

I'm praying that everything works out this time and that by somehow not tempting fate then it might be ok.  I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes after they started me testing my blood sugars at 13 weeks.  A few days later they put me on insulin as my numbers were quite high.  I'm now injecting 3 times a day, before breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I never thought I'd be able to do that having such a fear of needles but I do.  It usually doesn't hurt but sometimes I hit a spot that does.  Still finger prick testing many times a day too.  This makes me more high risk without previous history so I'm being seen every 3 weeks a the moment by two consultants.  That will go up the further on I get and I'll be scanned fortnightly to check the baby's size.  It's all quite scary really.  My consultant said that I would have had GD with Scarlett but that it went undiagnosed. We queried this ourselves at the end last time as I had symptoms and was convinced that something was wrong but the other hospital wasn't really paying much attention no matter how many times I told them.  I even bought my own glucose urine tests which showed high amounts of  sugar at many different times, they ignored this too.  Looking back at the post mortem results, combined with my symptoms, it's likely that GD played a part (if not caused) Scarlett's death.  It's incredibly painful to think that we could have prevented it but that a lack of care may have proved fatal.

I know now that my sugar levels are still very varied regardless of what I eat. I've cut out all sweets and sugary drinks, but then I didn't eat/drink many of them anyway and I'm eating set amounts of carbs (as advised) but still my levels are higher at some points than they should be; that's after insulin too.  The fact that I have it so early also points to me having had it last time too.  I'm doing everything I can to keep my levels stable but I've had to gradually increase my insulin dose over the weeks.  They warned that would happen more and more as I get further along too.

As I mentioned before, lots has been happening.  Ethan (4) broke his foot 4 weeks ago and is just out of plaster, we have to go back to the hospital today though as he hasn't been able to put any weight on it since having the cast off two days ago and is still in a lot of pain.  They didn't x-ray it again so I assume they will do that today and that he might need another cast on.  He managed to break his foot jumping up and down in the (carpeted) living room and went over on his foot!  Shocking really.  He's coped really well with it though and been very brave.

Liam's been very ill and in and our of hospital as his platelet levels dropped dangerously low so he was started on medications to raise it, it's now being lowered as they try to stabilise his levels.  Platelets did go up but now we need to see how his body reacts as the medication is lowered.  He was at a high risk of spontaneously bleeding when they were so low and it was really worrying.  He seems to be getting on ok now and is seen by a consultant every couple of weeks for reviews and blood tests.  He has a condition called ITP and it's re-emerged causing the platelets to drop.

On the first day back at school this term we were driving in and a car pulled out right in front of me causing me to crash into him.  Luckily we were all ok but it was terrifying and we were checked over by paramedics, three of us were taken into hospital too.  I had a scan which showed the baby to be fine, thankfully, and we were left bruised and stiff.  I'm still feeling the after effects now, weeks later and we're all anxious about being in the car, especially the children.  I've had awful headaches ever since too which have been more annoying as I can't take much for them. The other drive admitted liability so at least things aren't long and drawn out. Still not got the car back though, we've been using a courtesy car.

I have my anomaly scan in two weeks time, with Scarlett this showed echo-genic bowels so I'm quite nervous about it.  Also worried that the baby could be on the large side already.  Hoping for healthy.  I have some photos to add but they're not all on the pc yet so I'll work on that.

My Scan

We undertook the journey to London yesterday for my scan and after it taking just an hour to get from here to East London we thought we were far too early.  It then took us 2 hours to drive about 7 miles and we were 5 minutes late!

I was anxious and nervous all morning, especially so when we arrived.  We sat in the plush waiting room to be called in but luckily for us they were running around 10 minutes late so we didn't miss our appointment.  We were called in and greeted warming by the dr performing the scan.  In the waiting room we'd filled out a form detailing the previous history and he referenced that before doing the scan.  He was aware of, and mentioned, our previous stillbirth and the 6 miscarriages I've had.  I laid on the bed in the dimly lit room and looked at the scanning machine in anticipation and fear, with a little bit of hope mixed in too.  He squirted some gel on my stomach and then started scanning.  Almost immediately we saw a tiny baby and then a flickering!  There was a heartbeat!

I was very overwhelmed and had a lump in my throat and a catch in my voice when I spoke.  There was our little baby with its heart beating away strongly.  I'm measuring around 6 weeks with is consistent with my previous scan.  The dr took his time scanning and measured the heart rate which was 129bpm and the baby measured a tiny 5mm.  Now it feels real.

We went back to the waiting room to wait for the report and he came out to speak to us.  He said that they'd like to offer us a follow up scan in 10 days time as a reassurance for us, free of charge.  He made it clear that he didn't think there was anything wrong but that based on my history the reassurance could be beneficial.  He recognised that we'd travelled a distance to be there but that we were invited to take up their offer.  We accepted and booked a date with them.  I was very impressed with the level of care and compassion which we were shown by The Fetal Medicine Centre and would definitely recommend them.  I received from them, (in my first visit since I was pregnant with my 9 year old daughter) more consideration for our losses than we did from the NHS who were present throughout it all.

I intend to upload some photos soon to share ranging back through some previous posts and will get my recent scan photo scanned in too.  I'm not getting my hopes up too much but it looks promising so far.  Keeping my fingers crossed!

The police and more

Monday evening a policeman came out to speak to us and take a report about Scarlett's grave.  He was very nice and helpful.  They're basically going to do what they can and speak to some people about what happened, he's also liasing with another officer too.  He was very disgusted and said his colleague's "blood would boil" when he heard about what had happened.  He also said that desecrating any grave was bad enough but a baby's was just terrible.  It was good to be taken seriously.

Liam also spoke to the cemetery earlier on in the day on Monday and the man there was extremely upset and felt guilty about it.  He's taken a personal interest in Scarlett's grave and always checks on her.  He was away from the Wednesday night and checked her before he left so we know it happened between then and Saturday. Both seemed to think that it was likely to be teens broken up from school on the Friday and possibly drinking.  

It's a sorry state of affairs when teens resort to burning baby's graves to get a kick.  I was brought up in a rough area in East London and no one I knew would ever dream of doing such a thing.  The people may have been rough round the edges and get involved in their fair share of fights and trouble but they had respect.  I would be mortified if my children ever did anything like that.  I doubt they would as I bring them up as I have been, with respect for other people, for their property and for the dead.  I find it totally abhorrent that someone would derive pleasure from ruining a baby's grave; things that were irreplaceable.  

I do feel slightly better knowing that people are taking it seriously but I just wish there was CCTV there, I would love to know who'd done it.

I've been anxious and stressed for days now, worrying about my consultant appointment tomorrow, I'm so scared that I'll have to explain everything as they won't have read my notes and that they'll ask why I'm there (wouldn't be a first).  I want them to reassure me, tell me their plans for this pregnancy and what they are going to do to make this as smooth and as easy as possible for me and for this baby.  I need to know everything that will happen, how often I'll be seen and I hope they have plans to scan me frequently.  

I woke with a headache and already feeling stressed, I found it hard to sleep last night too.  I always feel very on edge the day before I'm due an appointment like this as I'm so worried.  I'm going to ask about a scan tomorrow too but I'm worried about that too; that they'll just say no and think I'm being irrational for even wanting one.  It's not about wanting more scans for any reason other than needing to be reassured though, I need to know that this baby is OK and developing the way it should and just because I'm early on doesn't make that any less important.  Early on is very important to me as that's the time when you can't see or feel anything other than via an ultrasound.  

I feel like I've invested so much into this baby already, I don't even know if there's a heartbeat yet.  It's torturous waiting, every day feels like forever.  When every thought I have is a worry then it really takes a strain on you.  I realise this sounds very self-absorbed but I'm finding it difficult to get past this week.  I have a scan on Friday but I'm not sure we'll be able to go now, it's fairly expensive and quite a drive so that's another thing I have to think about.